The Abuse of Headship in the Home

Recently, there has been much debate in Christian circles surrounding the roles of men and women in the church and home. Unfortunately, these debates are often conducted in a destructive, divisive, condescending way and largely miss the mark. This blog is a repost from The Cripplegate Blog, and I found it to be the most helpful take on this matter. I pray it helps you sift through the rhetoric and refocus your heart on the beauty of God’s design for relationships. -PT

I enjoy watching the origin stories of certain superheroes. Near the top of my list, behind Spiderman, is Captain America. A bullied skinny kid from Brooklyn with health issues. On the night before receiving the super serum to become Captain America, Steve Rogers asked the German scientist Abraham Erskine the question, “Why me?” Erskine’s response, “The serum amplifies everything that is inside, so good becomes great; bad becomes worse. This is why you were chosen. Because the strong man who has known power all his life, may lose respect for that power, but a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows… compassion.”

It was prophesied to our first parents that the consequences of the fall would result in the man ruling over the woman (Gen. 3:17). His rule would be administered not as a weak man who knows the value of strength and thus knows compassion. But rather as a prideful man who would lose respect for that power. Thus, instead of the man viewing the woman as a co-regent, designed to help him rule and subdue creation as purposed by God. He would have the tendency within his fallen nature to rule over her in a domineering and condescending way.

I believe this is the lens through which we must view the current abuses happening within the home and church, as it pertains to the role of men. Have you noticed it? Have you seen the documentary Shiny Happy People? Have you heard the rumors about wife spanking in certain churches? Aren’t you having to learn what terms like “abuse survivors,” “patriarchy” and “toxic masculinity” means? Surely you have read or seen how certain denominations are debating the role of men and women in the church. Why is that? The typical answer is that the church is becoming more like the world. However, when it comes to this issue, I must agree with Iain Murray’s assessment when he wrote, “Man is not the product of the times, but of the fall.”

The consequence of the fall is what has contributed to the abuse of headship, and the distortion of the complementarian view among certain evangelicals today. For instance, in the documentary Shiny Happy People, the ultra-fundamentalist leader Bill Gothard taught that men are in positions of authority, and women in positions of submission. In other words, men are to be superior, and the women are expected to obey men in every way. Thus, the principle as written by one well-known evangelical, “men conquer, and women surrender.” Or as this well-known evangelical stated further, “wives need to be led with a firm hand.”

Is this the official position of complementarians? Is this how we are to treat women in general and wives in particular? As a complementarian I reject such a view and see it as a distortion of Scripture. I believe men and women are created to complement each other as image bearers of God in their distinct roles in the home and church. In fact, the Apostle Peter commands husbands to grant their wives “honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7). This seems far from the condescending, oppressive and domineering behavior we hear being modeled in certain evangelical circles. Since when were husbands taught to treat their wives like children? Since when has it become a standard procedure for men to rule with a heavy hand while women are called to submit unquestionably to their sinful ways?

When you read Ephesians 5:22-33, it’s clear the wife’s role is to subject herself to her husband as to the Lord. Now this doesn’t mean she is to subject herself without reservation to her husband as if he is the Lord. But rather her submission is to be to the standard of the Lord’s will, which means in accordance with God’s Word. It is the same principle applied by the apostles when it came to governing authorities, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). Yet, certain evangelicals are taking verses like this and are reasoning that since wives must submit, husbands are to rule.  

However, Paul doesn’t use the verb which means “to exercise authority upon or bring under the power of,” [exousiazo], but “love,” [agapao] in verse 25. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” How are husbands to love their wives? The same way Christ loves His church, sacrificially. Husbands are to love by denying themselves for the well-being of their wives. Therefore, this text does not support the husband as a superior over his wife, but as a servant to his wife. The headship role of a husband is not a strong man who has known power all his life, but a weak man who knows the value of strength and knows compassion. How do we know this? By remembering how Jesus modeled leadership among His disciples.

The Gospel accounts record that on the night of His betrayal, the disciples were arguing amongst themselves as to who was the greatest in the kingdom, who was the superior disciple. Jesus gets up from the table, pours water in a basin, and began to wash the feet of His disciples. When He was finished, He asked, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am. If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you” (John 13:12-15).

Translation? “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who have authority over them are called ‘Benefactors.’ But not so with you, but let him who is the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as the servant. For who is greater, the one who reclines at the table, or the one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at the table? But I am among you as the one who serves” (Luke 22:25-27).

May I submit to you that the biblical role of husbands and wives under the model of headship and submission is not superior and subject, not conquer and surrender, but servant and co-servant? In other words, a wife serves her husband by submitting to him, and a husband serves his wife by loving her sacrificially. It is foreign to the Scripture for a husband to have the mentality of a master who commands his wife, “do what’s best for me.” Instead of the mentality of a servant who says, “I will do what’s best for you.” Any view of marriage where the husband doesn’t see himself as a servant towards his wife is unbiblical and false.

Hence, the hierarchy chart that has been displayed in certain evangelical churches of pastors over husbands, husbands over wives, and wives over children need to convey the biblical model of leadership demonstrated by our Lord. In other words, the chart needs to be inverted to communicate that the ones who are over you, are the ones who serve underneath you. Is this not how the Apostle Paul wanted the Corinthian church to view church leaders? “Let a man regard us in this manner, as servants of Christ” (1 Cor. 4:1).

Are not husbands called to model such leadership towards their wives? Does this not reflect the gospel? For the Lord became a servant and laid down His life for slaves (Mark 10:45). The King stooped down and washed the dirty feet of His subjects (John 13:5-17). The Shepherd laid down His life for the sheep (John 10:11). The Doctor took the patient’s illness, so that the patient might be healed (1 Pet. 2:24). The Defense Attorney took the charges against the criminal and transferred them to His account (1 John 2:2). And one day Sovereign Omnipotence clothed Himself in weakness and died on the cross for sinners who could not save themselves (Phil. 2:5-8). Oh yes this is a strange hierarchy, the One who rules over us is the One who served underneath us.   

So then, the biblical model that needs to be demonstrated in our homes and churches is that of servanthood. For Christ-like servants don’t cover up hundreds of sexual abuse cases in the church. Christ-like servants don’t instruct women to tolerate abuse from their husbands but to seek accountability from the pastoral leadership and governing authorities. For if this was the biblical model, there would be no stories of wives being spanked and abuse survivors having no voice. Because the church would be modeling the spirit of Christ by considering others more important than themselves.